Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
