Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
