Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
