if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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