I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
