I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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