Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
someone owes me an orgasm
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
