i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
