just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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