I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
