i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize