I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
