for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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