also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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