God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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