Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
