I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
