I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
