How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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