Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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