My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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