Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Randomize
