just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
