So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
