Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
