we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
