dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I have already put on my inside pants.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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