Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
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