from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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