Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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