First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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