She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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