Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
