NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
