just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
