I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
