Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
