Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Randomize
