This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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