I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
