I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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