you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
