I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
