Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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