And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
