I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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