you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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