life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
The struggles of a small town man whore
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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