DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
