I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
