I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
