My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
