I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
