apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE