so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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