God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
