In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
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