I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
He felt like a one man threesome
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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