I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
This is the high leading the old right now
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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